Thursday, November 26, 2009

A little is better than nothing... Or is it?

I should count my blessings for being granted a whole month of company by the man who has fathered me for 37 years; yet saying goodbye was torturous and deep-cutting. I soon discovered that it was not only me who drenched pillows, but the children also did the same. I pulled each of them in my arms and whispered to them to be strong as well as grateful for the pleasures of life that He showers unto us. Deep in my heart, I prayed hard that He will take all the pain away... as quickly as possible.


Earlier on, the children were thrilled to pieces to have dear 'ol grandad around. Tok Bah came specifically to spend time with his four grandchildren (he had 29 others back home, including 15 step grandchildren). He had had enough of the United Kingdom from his student days - back in Kirby College in Liverpool during his bachelor days, and also the University of Birmingham in the 70s. Hence, he was not really interested in seeing much of the country even though I did bring him back to his alma mater in Birmingham as that was too close for us to miss.
In 1996, he came back for my graduation and we looked for what was left of yesteryears. Except for the black iron gates, there was no sign of Kirby College, while the guest house in Selly Oak, Birmingham was exactly as it was - seemingly smaller in size to someone who had grown bigger and older. We did a fair amount of travelling at that time: from scenic Scotland to Lake District then down the north west, cutting through the west midlands, before making our way back up north. I also remember strawberry-picking in the outskirts of Edinburgh. Magnificent!


As prior mentioned, this time around I brought him back to Birmingham, where memories were made with our loved ones. Although I was only a tiny tod back then, there were some vivid incidences with my late mom and brother of which I can never forget. For instance, I remember sobbing on my late mom's lap after she asked me how I'd feel if she died. Simply ironic! I also recall the tape recordings we made to send home to my two sisters. At that time, making telephone calls were expensive while mobile phones and Internet simply did not exist. Therefore, text messages or web chatting via Skype/ YM/ google were objects of the future you never really thought much of. So, into the tape recorders we spoke and sang (and cried), of which was only heard by people back home approximately a month later. Little did I know that the cassettes became priceless to me much later, as a souvenir from Mak - who I never really got to know.

Let's get back to the present time. A few weeks ago, I was able to serve my old man English food which I know he loves - smoked mackerel and brussels sprouts to name a few! I must say that it's just so good to have another adult in the house whereby I can cook hot chilly meals and various vegetable dishes to enjoy with. Just like the old days, I can fix asam pedas mackerel or sambal terung, and not worry about it not finishing. The platter was always clean!
The children dotted on their grandad who gave them the attention they never had enough of. He enlightened them with stories and talked to them about their achievements throughout the day. He headed prayers with the boys and made them brush up on dusty pieces. Thanks to Tok Bah, my boys now know a simple piece of after prayers' du'a in Arabic - complete with opening and ending! It was my target to get the boys to learn it by the age of twelve because I know that it is part of the targets for those in KAFA (fardhu 'ain) schools in Malaysia. With Tok Bah's help, the boys managed to learn it in less than a couple of weeks. Now, all I have to do is to help them build it up gradually - just like the way I learnt it during my teenage days.
It was certainly great while it all lasted.
Naturally, when it was time to bid farewell, a shiver ran down my spine.
I'm now back on my own. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Too many people come and go in my life that I should by now be immune to all these emotional roller-coaster rides. I remind myself that the only one who remains close to us is Him and because of that, I am never ever alone. Physically perhaps, but not mentally and emotionally.
I'm not sure where I'm heading but the journey continues...

Monday, November 02, 2009

No news

They say no news means good news. Let's just pray that's the case here.

Like the animals who hibernate during winter, this blog will probably do the same.

Just in case I hibernate too long, here's wishing friends (my best friends included - you know who you are!), relatives and acquaintances who are performing their Hajj this year a great and successful pilgrimage. May the journey be the beginning of a better tomorrow, and the return be a fresh start altogether.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Another loss...

My mobile phone rang when I was grabbing a box of tissue paper from the shelf at the supermarket yesterday afternoon. I grappled for the phone in my pocket, and glanced at the name on the screen: it was Bluewonder - what a surprise!



Unfortunately, I should have guessed that the phonecall would bring me sad news - a much dreaded news for anyone! Our mentor in Edinburgh, Dr Haji Zainuddin Jaffar, had passed away in Brunei - fighting cancer of the lungs at a rate most admired! (he'd be delivering his lectures a day after his chemo session; believing that he was still able to serve the ummah!)


Dr Zainuddin, or Ustaz Din as we knew him, was an intelligent and friendly man who portrayed qualities of a true leader. Many of us will never be able to forget his bright smile and warm heart. Together with his wife, Kak Ni'mah (the daughter of the late Mufti Brunei), they were always warm to us and offered us invaluable advice about almost everything under the sun: from studentship to marriage!
Even after returning home from abroad, Ustaz Din and family still kept in touch with us, despite everyone being all over the place and busy with our own schedules.
Thank you Ustaz, for being there for us and for shaping us into what we are today.
For more details of this respectful man, check out his eldest daughter's blog.
Al-fatihah...

Monday, October 12, 2009

My darling angels

My first-borns are big now. Last September witnessed them entering secondary school just after celebrating their 12th birthday. Their new school is 2.3 miles (approximately 5 kilometres) away from home. They have agreed to cycle to school everyday using the spanking new bikes a friend presented.
Now that the days are getting shorter and colder, I have to ensure that they are well-dressed and equipped so that their cycle is bearable, if not pleasant. Another boy living closeby, who used to take the public bus, has even asked whether he could join them everyday. With this boy, they have discovered a short-cut and also the delights of Ye Olde Traditional Sweet Shop (now THIS I've got to keep my eye on!).

Some days, I feel a tightening sensation in my chest as I send them off at the door with prayers and kisses. My boys are big now... May Allah guide and protect both of you (and the other two) always!


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Thursday, October 08, 2009

If you are reading this, then I'd appreciate your help!

My friend, Adam, is running his PhD research on consumer perception of blogs, a very interesting topic altogether. You don't have to be a blogger (i.e. own a blog) to complete the online survey. As long as you are reading THIS entry, then you're qualified - wow, congratulations! Silent bloggers are most welcome too as responses are deemed confidential (I won't have a single clue!).



Please click here to answer the survey which will only take approximately 15 minutes to complete. Adam has a few prizes offered:


  • An opportunity to suggest a donation of £100 to a charity of your choice or take the cash prize for yourself,

  • A go at being one of the ten lucky respondents who will get Amazon vouchers worth £10 each.

However, one of the main reasons I support his work is because it makes a 50p donation to Cancer Research UK for each completed survey - yay! The winner will be announced on his blog http://www.adamok.net/ later in the year or perhaps early next year (depending on how fast he reaches his target of 400 respondents). If you provide your email address, the notification of your win will be sent straight into your mailbox.


Adam of http://www.adamok.net/ and http://ok-lah.blogspot.com/ has offered some incentives to me for the affiliate, and I have thus decided that any monetary gains obtained from this survey will go to the children (that's double incentive for you guys - donating to orphans!).
I therefore thank you all in advance for your cooperation.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Two years ago

Asyhadu an laa ilaha Ilallaah... wa asyhadu anna Muhammadarrasulullah...



I incessantly whispered this in his left ear while his mother whispered in the right once his breathing pattern changed. They were slow and heavy. In a matter of minutes, he was already gone...



I can play this scene repeatedly in my mind. Or perhaps the scenes of the past few days or weeks. Two years ago, today - 18th Syawal, he returned to our Creator.


I have no regrets but the human in me can't help feeling the lost of a man so close. So with every pain or flashback that I have, I probe for lessons to be learnt. What did he do right that made it easy for him? What have I gained from the experience? What have I done to prepare for death?
Everything here is not ours to claim, but the ownership belongs to the Almighty.
(Apologies for a sombre post!)

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Lillahi ta'ala

It is easy to forget that sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons; to impress, to oblige, to solve other problems, or to get acknowledged. The niah (niat) is vital and everything we do has to stem from the soul reason, i.e. lillahi ta'ala, or for Him - our Lord.



We seek knowledge, respect the elders, eat and drink, care for our family, friends and children all because of Allah s.w.t.



There's no such thing as 'I'm doing this for you...' or 'If not for my mother, I won't be doing this..'



It's time for a pause. Reflect and remember. Adjustments need to be made in our daily routine. I thank my eldest sister who injected this reminder in me some time ago (yet I often forget).



فَبِأَيِّ آلاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ
Then which of the powers of your Lord would you deny? (Surah Ar-Rahman: 13)